Monday, 16 July 2018

boyish

bismillah.

since i was in primary school, i was a little bit boyish. Back then in sekolah agama, whenever those drama queens (read: gedik girls) started to make noise, i just glanced at the boys and then they would all immediately yelled at those girls, asking them to be silent lol. oh, those boys and me are no longer friends. i guess this happened because people change? ok that's true but that's not the main reason. we dont contact each other because we went to different secondary school. facebook? nah, deleted my account when i was 16. but i have a new one because it's essential for me to keep myself updated with new information about my university. oh, back to the boyish thingy. i guess i was still boyish during secondary school. i dare to say that because back then in tuition center, i found that those boys who were sitting behind me were comfortable talking to me. or maybe because i was ugly? ops, am still ugly 😂😂😂. what i meant by boyish is my behaviour. some also said that my voice sound like a boy :( that's the reason why i used to hate people recording/making videos hahahaha. now im fine with it. it's time to create memories kan? 😁 ok but im still afraid to talk with men on the phone because idk, it's something you called insecurity i guess :( 

so how about now? am i still boyish? i would say no but some of my friends in university say yes lol. some of my friends find it weird at how im comfortable with guys despite of going to all girls school lol. some also said that they couldnt imagine me being feminine :((((( ok so how do i mengorat people like this :((( ok whatever, i still love make ups lol.

via GIPHY

(ok i know this is your reaction when you read this post but idc i just wanna share lol)

being known as boyish, kasar, it's kind of hard for me to tell my closed friends about my feelings toward certain guys. im fine with telling them simple stuff like "wei i have feelings for Ali doh. He is so handsome and kind ah i like him". but i couldnt tell them things like my whatsapp messages with Ali for example. i couldnt tell them things like my conflicts with Abu, some traits of Abu that i dont like, or in other words, i couldnt express my feelings about someone i like to my closed friends in detail. yeah. thats it. eh why did i use Abu instead of Ali ah??? just to clarify, i dont know anyone named Abu and Ali. those names just came into my mind. probably because i used those names way too much in my essays and sentences during school years lol.

the only thing i could do is to keep it all to myself. i couldnt even tweet those because my friends do follow me on it. "alah you dont have to be shy la. it's normal la for girls to have feelings for guys" i understand that. but whenever the id in me wanna tell the whole world how happy, excited, or sad i am about that guy, the superego in me always remind myself that it's embarrassing and i shouldnt. meanwhile, the ego in me asks me to only share it with my friends. since there is a conflict between the id, superego, and ego in me, it may lead to anxiety and to relieve that, i will just repressed my feelings. (wow guys im applying one of the personality theories that i have learned to my blog hhahahahah)

ok it's time for bed heheheheheeh bye

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

deserve

i once had a crush on this guy for a semester. we were friends back then but not that closed but comfortable enough to talk with each other. one thing about me, i am not pretentious if i talked with my crush. you know some girls they act all sweet, talk nicely with the guy. i dont do that. im just being me. the next semester, i found out that the guy was dating my friend. whom i would say kind of close to me. so i stopped having crush on him. people told me that they're sorry, they're empathetic, i told them i was fine. "if he is fated not to be mine, what should i do? i should just walk away".

during the process of moving on, i developed a feeling for another guy. but this time, the guy knew about it thanks to his "shitty" friend. i couldnt act normal in front of him, so i avoid any eye contacts with him. i dont even wanna bumped into him. during semester break, the feelings faded away. and now this guy is also dating my best friend. but no worries, my best friend is fully aware that i've moved on.




i know you wanna tell me that im living such a pathetic life. im aware of it. sometimes i ask myself a lot of questions like, 

why do those people who i like always ended up liking my friends?
why not me?
am i that ugly?
am i not that worth it?
don't i deserve to be loved?





now, i dont wanna have feelings for anybody. because im afraid that they would choose my friends over me. life is full of bullshit. facade does not matter, they said. personality comes first, they said. inner beauty is everything, they said. 


sigh. how long should i wait for the guy to see the good sides of me?