Burnout

​I think it was last week when I pinged my manager and told him I was overwhelmed. He advised me to take an extra 1 hour break to wind down.

The days went by, I continued working as usual, but I noticed I was slowly losing motivation. I became irritated so easily. At first, I thought it was just exhaustion from dealing with customers. But somehow it escalated, to the point where I started procrastinating, dreading tasks that used to be manageable. I found myself getting unreasonably annoyed, and muttering profanities continuously.

I kept telling myself that I really gotta stop being this way, but then I broke down, ended up crying. I was terrified that I had become someone I didn’t wish to be. Someone full of hatred, pessimism, and anger.

Reached out to a colleague, and she simply said, “Kau burnout ni”.

Maybe she was right. Told my manager, and he didn’t hesitate. “You are”, he said and advised me to take some time off. He also offered an extra 1 hour break, but I declined. But of course he played his final card, saying “This is not an offer. This is an instruction”. 

Honestly, I am beyond grateful to have a very kind and understanding manager. 

I still remember when I was like 2 weeks into in the company, I was feeling anxious and insecure about everything. I pinged him, asking what kind of expectations he had of me. He could’ve just replied the chat, but instead, he personally visited the training classroom to check on me, sat next to me and said “I don’t have any expectation on you. You are still new, so do not worry about it. You will be fine”. 

Now that he is leaving for a different department, I think that change is adding weight to whatever I am experiencing right now. I am burnt out, and I am worried about what comes next. Still, I genuinely wish him all the best.

As for me, maybe I will be okay starting next week when I go home. Cannot wait to see my cats and get my oxytocin levels up.

This too shall pass.