And suddenly, it's February 2026.

 Started 2026 by cutting you off my life. It was a painful decision, but I didn't see any future in us, so what's the point of holding onto something that would eventually hurt me? I tried, hoping that there'd be a chance for us to be us, even the slightest bit, but I got tired. Maybe some things aren't meant to be saved.

So I left.

I would be lying if I said you didn't cross my mind. From time to time, I do reread our previous conversations, and my favourite part has always been, and will always be, when you say "awak".

"Awak" has always been my favourite word. "Awak" sounds softer compared with "Kau", and it sounds like it's full of love and care. You can feel the kindness and tenderness every single time. Even if you argue with someone, using "awak" will make the argument less intense, and there's always hope for reconciliation.

And you were the first man I ever used "awak" with.

Semoga awak baik-baik saja :) <3

#np Ada titik-titik di ujung doa - Sal Priadi

This too shall pass.

20 Dec 2025: Not Today

 Wedding day of Ainaa’s youngest sibling, Yana.

I remember when I received the wedding invitation, I immediately contacted Nad and told her that she must attend this one. Nad being Nad, she didn’t ask much and just went along with it. Nad must have thought I was excited for a small reunion between the three of us, but genuinely, there was a glimpse of hope that I would be seeing you on that day.

Things happened, and clearly, we didn’t talk. I always thought that even if we were not made for each other, I would still pray for your wellbeing, because that’s all I wish for. Then somehow, I stopped mentioning your name in my doa. Perhaps the day I stopped was the day my doa was no longer needed. 

I was so occupied that I even forgot to wish you a happy birthday, a date I certainly remember, which was one of the days I looked forward to, as I desperately wanted to talk to you. 

Wished you a happy belated one, and that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Time flies by. And finally, D-day.

Nad told me that she would arrive after 14:30. I was okay with it because beggars can’t be choosers, as I asked for her help to carpool and go together. I also thought that arriving late would be fine as we could hangout longer.

13:07 - “Tak datang majlis diorang ke”

No hi or hello, just a direct question that needed a definite answer. You had no idea how happy I was when I received your text. “Well, at least I did cross his mind, didn’t I?” said my defence mechanism.

Arrived at the venue, took a quick look around and figured out you probably weren’t there. Ainaa later told me that your family had left about an hour earlier. I was kind of relieved honestly. I was not ready at all. I felt like I was at my worst state so didn’t want you to see this side of me.

I texted you, and you replied. We talked pretty much the whole time I was there, which was about an hour. It made me really happy and helped ease the awkwardness a bit, especially since Nad came with her husband, so naturally her attention was with him. I completely understood and was perfectly fine with it. 

Went home and somehow the conversation ended. Had a mix of affection and annoyance because what was all of that…? I felt like we were having a good time that should not have stopped so suddenly… :/ Maybe it was just me. 

Without any hesitation, I told you that I was happy to be on the other end, who received your text first this time. Told you “Jaga diri tau”,  hoping that you could sense the depth of my affection for you in my gentle farewell.

You know how people say “kalau dah takde jodoh, duduk sekampung pun takkan jumpa”? I truly felt that. We live close by (I guess), and we even went to the same place on the same day but at a different time. Well I guess if the timing isn’t right, then it just won’t happen. Tak ada jodoh, orang kata.

Semoga yang baik saja untuk awak.

This too shall pass.

Burnout

​I think it was last week when I pinged my manager and told him I was overwhelmed. He advised me to take an extra 1 hour break to wind down.

The days went by, I continued working as usual, but I noticed I was slowly losing motivation. I became irritated so easily. At first, I thought it was just exhaustion from dealing with customers. But somehow it escalated, to the point where I started procrastinating, dreading tasks that used to be manageable. I found myself getting unreasonably annoyed, and muttering profanities continuously.

I kept telling myself that I really gotta stop being this way, but then I broke down, ended up crying. I was terrified that I had become someone I didn’t wish to be. Someone full of hatred, pessimism, and anger.

Reached out to a colleague, and she simply said, “Kau burnout ni”.

Maybe she was right. Told my manager, and he didn’t hesitate. “You are”, he said and advised me to take some time off. He also offered an extra 1 hour break, but I declined. But of course he played his final card, saying “This is not an offer. This is an instruction”. 

Honestly, I am beyond grateful to have a very kind and understanding manager. 

I still remember when I was like 2 weeks into in the company, I was feeling anxious and insecure about everything. I pinged him, asking what kind of expectations he had of me. He could’ve just replied the chat, but instead, he personally visited the training classroom to check on me, sat next to me and said “I don’t have any expectation on you. You are still new, so do not worry about it. You will be fine”. 

Now that he is leaving for a different department, I think that change is adding weight to whatever I am experiencing right now. I am burnt out, and I am worried about what comes next. Still, I genuinely wish him all the best.

As for me, maybe I will be okay starting next week when I go home. Cannot wait to see my cats and get my oxytocin levels up.

This too shall pass.

A Good Read: Please Look After Mother

Sunday, 9 November 2025.

I went out with my favourite girls, Ainaa & Zazi after so long! It’s been a year since we actually sat down together, had a quick catchup session, cackled at each other’s stories. Thank you girls, I had a good time. Sayang korang.

Reached home, did some cleaning and found myself with nothing else to do. That’s when emptiness and loneliness crept in. Scrolling through TikTok didn’t help because the algorithm was all about finding jodoh, unrequited love, or weddings (Scary how the algorithm finds me). Nope. I won’t let myself drowned in any intrusive thoughts today. Certainly not today.

So I picked up a book. Had keep myself occupied for the better me.

It took me quite some time to finish this one, probably months, because I procrastinated, got lazy, and simply wasn’t in the mood to read. But today I finally finished the last 2 chapters in an hour.

Honestly I couldn’t remember much of the earlier parts since I didn’t read it in one seating. In summary, the story is about a missing mother, and how each chapter unfolds from a different family member’s perspective which are the eldest daughter, the son, the husband, and finally, the mother herself.

Spoiler alert.

It took me certain amount of time to actually understand and process the whole thing. I didn’t understand why the mother’s pov was rather short and barely mentioned her eldest daughter, son, and husband. The writer only mentioned about mother’s youngest daughter and a man who she met on the road, with whom she later became friends (the mother did not cheat though). 

But I realised what’s the writer intended to show is how the dead or missing soul— in this case, the mother, is only worried about the one she still cares for and has unresolved business with. The mother didn’t focus much on her other two children because in her eyes, they were already living their own lives and doing just fine without her.

The novel truly shows how we, as humans, have the tendency to dwell on the past, stroll down the amnesia lane, and begin to regret our guilt and ignorance after taking someone for granted. 

One of the parts that broke me was when the father told his daughter, “You know what’s strange? I don’t even dream of your mother anymore”. The novel depicts how life goes on after your loved ones is gone, yet you continue to live in the misery of regret and yearning.

Overall, it was a good read. It made me realise that I should appreciate the people around me more, especially my loved ones. Because once they are gone, regrets can’t undo what’s gone.

(P/s: Do prepare some tissues while reading)

Biggest meltdown of the month (?)

November 7, 2025. Friday.

I had the biggest meltdown today during my one hour work break.

I always told myself that whenever I am feeling down, stressed, or upset, they are just feelings I need to experience, then let them pass by. And I thought I was doing fine, but I was wrong. 

Well I guess emotions are something to be seen, to be held, and understood.

It turned out I have been suppressing all of these emotions inside, bottled them up, and finally exploded. I swallowed the feelings, and somehow the weight grew heavier. 

Being an adult who lives alone, though I have my friends who are one call away, life doesn’t quite work that way. I’ve always believed that my friends, whether single or married— have their own lives to tend to, and I never want to be a nuisance to them. I am blessed with good friends, and I love them, truly I do, and I would be there for them in any circumstance. But when it comes to me, I just can’t bring myself to do the same. Well I guess this has always been a habit of carrying things on my own. 

And then it hit me how badly I long for someone to whom I can show my vulnerabilities and lower my guard. A person I can call home, my own person.

Few things happened today, and they made me realised how insignificant I can be to people who I thought were my top priorities. And that’s just, sad.

I cried my eyes out to the point i gasped for air in between. I told myself that this wasn’t not going anywhere, but my heart still ached terribly. I then patted my chest slowly, my mouth kept whispering istighfar, and I told myself in my heart, “Allah ada”. It soothed me, then I began to feel calmer. It’s so amazing how remembering Allah immediately brings me peace.

“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” — Surah Ar-Ra’d (13:28)



Alhamdulillah, I feel so much better now. 

But I still need a hug, desperately need one.

Ku Tiba Lagi

#np Hyperact - ku tiba lagi

Ku tiba lagi, bersama rasa rindu datang bertamu di ruang hati kecil yang berbicara.

If you asked me whats so special and attractive about him, the short answer would be none other than, “he’s kind”. Kindness is subjective, yet yours feels complete to me. 

Today, you showed me your kindness again, without fail. But as usual, I was the one who reached out to you first. I knew I must’ve looked desperate, but I just wanted to talk to you. I sent the message, but deleted it after some time, because the thought of where I stand in your life suddenly hit me.

But you replied.

I told you to ignore it, as I was just giving excuses just to talk to you. You asked, “so what did you delete?” I told you, and you asked me more, and kept the conversation going.

And that was so you.

You, who rarely took me lightly whenever the topic was about me. 

You, who made me feel truly seen and cared of. 

You, who always showed interest in whatever I said. 

You, who is kind.

You, who I still do not want to let go in silence.

The conversation ended in an hour, with you reacting with an emoji to my last message. And I, crestfallen once again, for the countless times. But still, thank you. I was delighted, even just for a while— knowing that both of us were literally holding our phone, texting with the thought of each other. Except that I did it while beaming the whole time. 

Maybe you saw through my desperation, or maybe you didn’t. But if you did, I hope you saw that it was out of care instead of need. You make me want to reach out, even when I tell myself not to.

Talk to you soon :)

2024.

Tak pasti berapa tahun menghilang tapi kali ni aku tak mahu tangguh lagi.

2024 adalah tahun aku menjadi 26. 26 adalah tahun mendewasa di mana kau sepatutnya sudah ada kestabilan dalam hidup dari segi pekerjaan, percintaan, dan kewangan. Kau akan secara automatik membanding-bandingkan kehidupan kau dengan orang lain lalu menimbulkan sedikit rasa iri hati dan berkata “di mana silapnya?” dan kau rasa sebersalah dengan Tuhan sebab apa sahaja perasaan negatif yang kau alami membuatkan kau kedengaran seperti hamba yang tidak ikhlas dan reda dengan ketentuanNya.

Sejujurnya, 26 dan ke atas adalah tahun di mana kau mula untuk tidak lagi bercerita tentang kisah tragik, perasaan duka lara atau mengadu domba kepada orang lain meskipun mereka adalah rakan-rakan yang kau nak tarik masuk syurga bersama. Kau mula simpan rapi kesemua itu sebab kau sedar bahawa tiada makna untuk meluah kerana tragedi kita hanyalah sekadar iklan radio yang masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. Kalau kau rasa apa aku tulis ini seperti tidak masuk akal, cuba kau ulang siar semula kisah-kisah sedih tentang kehidupan rakan-rakan yang pernah diceritakan mereka? Tiada kan?

Ini bukanlah sesuatu hal yang boleh dipersalahkan ke atas orang lain kerana kehidupan kita berbeza dan sendirian berhad. Masing-masing ada masalah sendiri, masalah dunia, masalah peribadi bak kata Malique. Apa yang boleh dibuat hanyalah memperbanyak tadahan tangan dan ciuman sejadah. Ulang dan ulang.

Memang sangat tipikal tapi apapun buat kalian yang sedang dalam kesedihan dan kesusahaan, bertabahlah dan bersabarlah. Menangislah jika mahu tapi harus kekal tabah. Lakukan apa yang perlu dan teruskan tawakal kepada Tuhan. Yakin bahawa apa yang berlaku di saat ini adalah satu proses ke arah sesuatu yang pernah kita hajatkan dulu.

Semoga kita semua baik-baik saja.

-

bismillah

this is definitely my first post for 2020 but probably my last post for this year too

my second semester as a 3rd year student is kinda depressing.
i feel like i dont belong here at all
maybe things would be better if im not around
maybe people would become happier without my presence


im sorry that im such a burden to everyone
im sorry that i couldnt do anything to change that

it's not like i dont want to accept any help
i just dont deserve any kindness from anyone

and i hope anyone who reads this wont feel the same thing in their lives

henlo

bismillah.

it has been almost a year since the last time i updated my blog. being a sophomore was really tiring, it was hectic. nevertheless, i enjoyed everything. i get out from my comfort zone by participating in a lot of programs & activities. despite of that, i still have a lot of things i wanna try. i love the fact that i gained a lot of new friends even though sometimes we dont even say hi when we bumped into each other lol.

one thing that i learned is to never hate anyone. i know it sounds cliche but it is indeed true. i once happened to have an issue with this girl and i hated her. somehow we became closer & i told myself to stop hating her. since that day, i could see all the good things in her. she was so kind to me but my hatred toward her made me blind (seriously). so people, never hate anyone despite of what they do to you. bcs whenever you hate someone, you couldnt see the kindness in that particular person. btw, we are really close now to the point where i dont want any bad things to happen to her. like, i wanna help her in anyways that i could whenever she needs help.

ok just wanna tell ya that im so good at cursing now. i know this is not something to be proud of but ok. i really need to change this attitude bcs it is getting worse. i could really say all those bad words, you just name it.

2 years have passed. i know this is not the right time to talk about this since i haven't finish my degree but i think degree life is okay? it wasnt that hard. of course there were times where we felt like giving up, we cried, we felt hopeless but hey, look at the bright sides. come to think again, i really enjoyed my freshman & sophomore years. but i think im gonna cry next week bcs my semester 4 result will be out & i didnt do it well bcs i was like fuck this shit im so done lol. i dont blame anyone if it turns out to be bad bcs it is my fault for not studying & doing my best. please, please, please use your time wisely. remember, priorities.

pwendz

bismillah.

my holiday is coming to an end. i have like approximately 20 days left. no words could describe how much i dont wanna start my third semester. just imagining the amount of sleep im gonna have, the amount of people i have to deal with, the responsibility i have to take, the type of food im gonna eat make me feel tired already.

i love my holiday so much. all i gotta do is to cook, clean the house, do the dishes, make sure our cats eat, clean their poops etc. oh, i read too. i feel a little bit proud of myself because i stop reading when i was 17. i used to love it though.

the thing that i love the most about my holiday is im able to spend my time with my best friends. since im always at home and i dont work, i told my friends that they could hit me up anytime because im that free lol. if i asked my friends to hang out with me but they were not free, i wont asked them again because i dont want people to find me annoying. but thank god i have that one friend who always asked me to go out with her and a yes is always my answer - Nad.

so yesterday was probably my last day going out with Nad. we went out for breakfast at 9am with Ummi. it was a catch up session with Ummi because that was our first time seeing her after so long. we then went to pick up Nad's sister, Nazeha at school, and went for shopping. thank god that ummi came along to listen to Nazeha's story lol. they really get along very well. after we sent Ummi's home, we went for shopping again lol. Nad bought a lot of groceries to bring em all to beijing but funny thing was she didnt bring extra money lol we were so panicked like she even told the cashier to stop scanning the barcode if the total amount reached RM200 😂😂😂😂😂 luckily the amount was about RM160 lol.

we then went to kedai tudung and by that time it was already 4.30pm lol. on our way to KFC, there was a roadblock AND WE DIDNT WEAR OUR SEAT BELT 😂😂😂😂 I FREAKED OUT WEI I WAS LIKE "WEH POLIS" AND WE GRABBED OUR SEAT BELT BUT THEN THEY GOT STUCK 😂😂😂 the funny thing was BOTH of our seat belt got stuck at the same time!!!! the seat belt also worked at the same time 😂😂 weh sumpah kelakar aku cracked gila! thank god polis semua busy examining other cars so they dont tahan us lol. we had our "lunch" at 5.30pm lol. while having our kfc, an uncle came to us and asked for RM2. i was so startled bcs i didnt know what to do bcs it was my first time being approached by someone like him. but the uncle seemed just fine??? i meant, his outfit was clean? so we didnt give him money bcs we didnt have RM1 note.

Nad sent me home at 6pm. she said "nanti ada rezeki kita jumpa lagi". it made me upset, honestly. because i dont want it to be our last. i cried as soon as i got into my room. i was so emotional last night that i watched our Melaka short gateaway's video for so many times and cried after watching it. can you see how much i didnt want it to end?

it's not just Nad. i do miss Ainaa and Zazi juga but since semalam ada Nad sorang kan so dia punya rindu dekat Nad tu increasing 😂 plus Nad studies in Beijing kan. we are like thousands kilometers away so it's really hard to see each other.

meanwhile for the short gateaway in Melaka, i really love everything about it that i did make a short video to summarize our day. i edited the video for 8 hours lol.

sigh. im typing all of these while holding my tears ahahhaha. see you when i see you, my friends. i know i rarely express my feelings but please know that i do sayang korang. take care, Nad & Ainaa!

pape roger je geng. aku ada.

👭👭

FINALS SEMESTER 2

HELLO IM GONNA SIT FOR MY FINALS STARTING FROM TOMORROW SO PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!!!! IM NOT NERVOUS IM JUST UHM IDK IDK IDK I THINK IM GONNA DIE SOON

I KNOW NOBODY'S READING THIS BUT HEYYYYYY WHY NOT

im doomed

bismillah.

im doomed man, doomed.

degree life is so tiring. the non-stop assignments. college's activities.
i feel like quitting man.

at this rate i feel like i need a boyfriend. why? because i need someone to motivate me, to tell me that im doing well, to tell me that both of us are working hard for our freaking futures.

assignments.
you will be fine if you understand the freaking content but if you dont understand, you're doomed, just like me.
choose your fucking group members. never take them as members just because they are your fucking friends.
weh sumpah i feel like crying.

'pi la buat assignment tu. hg meroyan sini buat pa'

OK.

college's activities. this one is what i fuck the most.
for fuck sake doh every nights on weekdays i got activities. i got no time for assignments weh sumpah.

WEH TOLONG LA IM SO IN NEED OF MOTIVATION IM SO WEAK I NEED AFFECTION WEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

6dayssssss

bismillah.

6 days left until degree life. excited? a bit. but more to scared actually.

why? because the course i will be taking for degree is a course that i need to memorize a lot of things. back then during asasi, my course was more to calculation. during first semester i did terribly but alhamdulillah not during second semester. i was satisfied with my cgpa. 

im not sure if my brain loves to memorize or calculate. im full of doubt of myself. im afraid that i might not be able to take this course. yeap, if you never try, you never know. but im still scared to death. 

being apart from my family again after 4 months at home is the worst. i dont know, i just love my family more than anything. if only they know how much do i love them, they could cry lol.

may Allah give me strength and patience during my 4 years of degree.
may Allah help all of us in everything we do.
may Allah ease.

ammiin. 

my brother

bismillah.

my asasi life ended almost 4 months ago and i didnt even update my blog. will tell you guys about how amazing my semester two was but not now. im here to write a short post.

so today, while i was preparing myself before i went out, my brother came into my room. he took my al-quran translation and i was like "alhamdulillah finally". i told him "meh akak peluk sikit" i didnt mean it to be honest. i was just kidding. even praising him just now was just a joke. but then he really hugged me. i was speechless.

while i was about to pat his back, he started sobbing. i was startled. i was like "eh kenapa ni???" i was startled. whats wrong with him? i asked myself. then he said "Im mintak maaf. Im banyak buat salah dengan akak" while crying. listening to that, i was about to cry but i hold back my tears. i told him "ehhh apa ni takde lah dah pergi belajar" while i pat his back. he kept crying. i told him that it's alright, go study. he stopped sobbing but still crying and went to his room.

ok so what actually happened? yesterday he went to his school motivational talk and slept over for a night. you know, that typical motivational talk before big examination starts. maybe he was affected by it thus that sorry thing he said to me. despite of knowing that the sorry he said was just temporary, i am still surprised by it. i dont know how to describe what did i actually feel. i was like "what are you saying? you did nothing wrong. do not say sorry".

just realized that im actually a soft-hearted person haha.

bye bye semester 1

﷽

MUO: 3 days left.

guys, im going home in 3 days!! god im so excited to see my parents my family my baby girl nurin & my girls!!! (u can see my excitement over there lol). final just ended and im kind of lifeless??? lol many said that im not supposed to lock in my room, i should go explore the nature around here. babe, i do want to do that but those stuffs cost a lot T_T it is the end of semester and for sure, im broke sobs. do you guys ever feel like 'aiyer so boring final ended i feel like studying' lol that shit is real weh. i feel like studying. and now im so full of regret for not studying earlier and then there goes 'ok for semester two im going to study earlier and watch korean drama after finals' crap i say lol.

during semester 1, i had so much fun. ok lets start with friends. i got to know new friends even though sometimes we didnt say hi whenever we bumped into each other lol. different person, different personality, different manner. some are so freaking nice like whenever they see you, they go like 'hi!!' 'pi mana' 'uiiiii' all that. some would just smile, but some just dont care (i think im actually that type. sorry ppl im not being arrogant, im just so shyyyyyy). for group assignment, i think i had the best group ever because everybody gave their best i guess? our group was listed as one of the best group for chemistry assignment! i was so surprised because the assignment was full of crap, i didnt understand a thing about it but danggg, we won lol. overall, i met good people. and i surrounded myself with them. for the sake of positive vibes!!! lol

ok now my fav part, food. so basically when i first came here, my friends asked me things like "kau makan ulat gendot tu tak jia????" "ok ke makan sana" lol guys dont freak. makan sini semua ok sama macam korang ahahahah. you know what, our makcik cafe's ayam goreng is the best in our college!! god, so sedap crunchy pedas idk how to describe, but her ayam goreng is different wei. it tastes like kfc! or even better! ok nampak tak excited whenever it comes to ayam goreng? hahahahaha k. kat sini aku jarang keluar so i didnt explore makanan luar :( so sad. but i ate laksa sarawak at SCR and it tasted so masyaallah im in love. jjang! i have another 4 years wei kat sini, so still got a lot of time to know this place :-)

ok the third one, residence. the room is just nice, everything about it is fine. but the only thing that i hate is the toilet. i dont know why these girls on my wings dont know how to use toilet properly :( i mean, you guys are big girl already k do i have to teach you how to flush the toilet after used, clean the sink after used etc?? eh cmon girls you guys are here because you guys are smart girls. bukan cikai cikai doooooo amende korang. and know what these girls are so cantik from head to toe. tapi cleanliness tak tahu jaga hurmmmmm :( so sad about this one.

next, bahasa. so sarawakian have their own slang. for example:

tak = sik
tengok = nangga
mahu = mok/mauk
mana = sine

before i came here, some of my friends remind me that sarawakian have their own slang and it will be hard for me to understand. yup, cant deny that. BUT IM EAGER TO LEARN HOW THEY SPEAK. for serious la eh i say, the way they speak are so masyaallahhhhhh lembut sangat. even the boys dont jerit jerit bila cakap. so sopan ya allah aku pun gagal huhuhu. i tried to speak in sawak but then my semenanjung friends be like 'ko takyah cakap sawak, hodoh' kakakakaka i know :') lol

ha before i forget, some ppl might think that kampus aku ni dekat pedalaman. for god sake ah, not weiiiii. ni macam kat muo kat tau dak kat bando hahahahaahaha. semua ada. siap boleh jalan kaki k nak pi shopping mall lulssss. ok thats it.

im sorry, i dont pictures related to food or my room. i just so in love with the nature over here <3

see you again on next sem, beautiful nature!

tomodachi

﷽

FINAL: 70 days

MUO: 79 days

those two things are currently on my phone home screen. everytime i see those numbers i get excited because who on earth is not excited when it comes to home right? but finals.... im scared as hell. it frightens me. i just finished my mid term examination and it wasnt easy but i will just surrender everything to Allah the almighty because He knows best (•‾⌣‾•)و ̑̑♡

btw this is just a short post because i dont really have nothing to talk about like seriously nothing interesting happened for now. but let me talk about friends. 

im actually a cheerful and talkative person. i REALLY talk a lot and i think my sense of humor is kind of good??? lol ok. so back in highschool i have quite a lot of friends. i was confessed by a friend of mine saying that some of her friends used to hate me because they thought i was arrogant & so full of myself. but their perceptions about me changed after they got to know me. so yeap. being here, i thought it would be easy to have friends since i got that sociable-kind-of-attitude. but i was wrong. LIKE SO WRONG. 

im not the old Jia. i used to be such a loud person, you could hear my voice 50m away (loljk) but now, im so quiet. when people tried to have conversations with me, i dont know how to make them longer. i have no idea what to talk about. i dont know. this is so not me. i tried to talk more but it doesnt work. especially boys. GUYS IM SO AWKWARD WITH THEM. back in primary school, i was so boyish and i have a lot of boy friends. in highschool, i did have some but we only met during extra classes. after spm ended, i dont have one. ok jk, i do have one. so basically i dont know how should i talk with those boys in my class. yeah i should just be myself but this is not about acting feminine or what, this is about WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT????? u get me? no? okbye

i get jealous everytime i see my classmates going out. i mean, i also wanna go out with you guys and know you guys better. i also want to joke around with you guys, cursing each other lol just kidding. maybe there's a reason why Allah wont let me to have a lot of friends. it's okay dearself. things will get better by time :)

p/s: i miss divas & ainaa (｡•́︿•̀｡)

new place

bismillah.

since 5/6/2016, im officially a foundation student in sarawak. my course is physical science and i got questions like "oh jadi cikgu sukan ea?" "nanti ajar jasmani la ye?" from elders especially during raya like a lot hahaha. i dont blame them for not knowing this course because even some of my friends dont know about it lol o(^∀^*)o i was so excited but sad at the same time because leaving home was something that i had never done before (unless for balik kampung during cuti sekolah. well, kampung we have family members, but at new place? STRANGERS). ive never been to sarawak before and yeap it was #myveryfirst time being here with my parents. we didnt manage to come here with all family members bcs yknow, ticket prices (⌣_⌣”)

2/6/2016

still remember how sick i was when i was in the plane lol. ma tried to have a conversation with me but i was so dizzy and i didnt talk to her that much and now i feel like turning the time back because i feel like a terrible daughter for treating my ma that way ⁝(˚͈͈͈͈̥̆₍₎˚͈͈͈͈̥̆⁎)⁝  when we arrived there, we went to jalan jalan around kuching and it was just me with my parents.  i felt like i was the only child by that time lol. on night, after dinner, we went back to the hotel because it was raining heavily (as if the weather knew how i felt by that time, how upsetting i was). i cried for the whole night. 'i dont want to leave my parents' 'i dont wanna go to college' yknow, those kind of stuff.

3/6/2016

registration day. after i registered, i went to buy some stuff with my parents and then we went back to the uni and then ma and ayah got to leave because i had activities. hugged my ma and i held my tears because a friend of mine told me not to cry infront of them. only god knows how i felt. only god knows how homesick i was. i cried everytime i didnt have anything to do. i cried when i showered. i cried durng my solat. like seriously, all the time. been homesick for two weeks, can you imagine? on week 3 i started to feel okay like i gotta do this i can do this because on week 5 i'll be back for raya so i was so positive like heyyyy 2 weeks to go we can do this lol.

celebrating ramadhan the holy month in islam without my parents was suck. i miss how full our table at home would look like. i miss my mum's cook. i miss how we siblings used to berebut for chairs to sit at meja makan. i miss ma ayah waking me up for sahoor. like every single thing about ramadhan, i miss them all.

and now, 30/7/2016

im back here after raya and on my first day after raya being here, i was about to feel homesick like i wanna go homeeee but then Mira, she opened my eyes. she said that im here for my parents. im here to be successful and make them proud of me. im here to for REASONS. starting from that day, i dont feel homesick at all. of course i do miss my family but it's not until that crying-all-day-stage. i miss makanan warung in muar tho ( ≧Д≦) but i miss my ma's cook even more especially nasi lemak with ayam goreng and pisang goreng! you can never beat my ma's sambal tumis because it is the best in the world like seriously world champion.

and guess what? i completely move on from papparich LOL YES. im not going to eat there anymore ugh so expensive like how could i manage to eat there like almost everyday ugh smh. and i dont freaking care about those workers anymore because as i said, i move on yeahhhhh.

basically when i told ppl that im furthering my studies in sarawak, most of them responded me with "uish kawin dengan orang sawak la ni" "habis aaaa jauh nanti" hahahahaah. and the funniest part about studying here is, my brother thought that i already have a boyfriend HAHAHAHA FOR GOD'S SAKE I THINK THIS ONE IS FUNNY ENOUGH LIKE CMON IVE BEEN HERE FOR A MONTH AND SOMETHING, HOW DO U EXPECT ME TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND BY THAT TIME? like seriously tho ahahahaah. that jodoh related stuff, i will just pass because Allah knows best right? my priorities are studies and my family for now.

will update soon about how's my college life, is it fun or not, do i have a boyfriend already or anything lol do wait for it!

WORK #myveryfirst

bismillah.
assalamualaikum.

so long my blog!!! since I finished my spm papers until I got my spm result, I never got the chance to update this blog lol. I was so freaking busy with my work (acah macam kerja besaq) lol just like others, aku pun kerja juga yelew cari side income gitu kakaka. so 18th may was my last day working. oh before that, I worked as a waiter (i also cant believe it guys, I mean how come a fatso can work as a waiter kan usually yg cantek jewww gitew ko) my last day work was awesome da bomb I was so happy for god sake only He knows how happy I was.

team abang zul!

service for team abg achong :)

being a waiter wasnt easy. you gotta deal with people with different kind of attitude. kalau yang baik tu allahurabbi memang baik betul, semangat nak serve. kalau yang cerewet sikit, masyaallah waiter lain tolong serve pls! lol. still remember when the restaurant was full house and there was only Bat and me as the local waiter. maigod penuh gila bakhang. serve sana sini masyallah dapat tips rm10 :')) lol.

we have two shifts. morning shift and closing shift. if you asked me to choose one, i would go with closing shift! i hate morning shift bcs we have manager to watch all of our steps haahhaahhahaha ok kidding. closing shift is the best sebab bila closing and kemas outlet, boleh relax relax, nyanyi kuat-kuat ahhhhhh still remember masa closing team abg achong, me and the girls nyanyi lagu marry you by bruno mars tu kuat-kuat. macam-macam nama sebut, moner la, khim la???? kakakkakakaaka perangai. rindu :'(

pi melaka yabedabeduuu

balik dari melaka singgah duluuu kakaka

kampung fried rice my fav!!

one of the things that i love about my workplace was the workers. alhamdulillah i got the chance to work with my own bestfriends! Ainaa, Nad and Zazi :-) there was this one month i was asked to change my team and yup, masuk team yang ada ainaa nad and zazi. mula-mula lepas working hour mesti lepak dekat table 39, outlet no2. lepas tu dia makin meleret, pi makan pizza sebab craving. tak lama kemudian pi melaka pulak lolllllll #theperkofhavingfriendswithlicenses lol. banyak sangat hang out, too many money wasted ;p, but its okay because we created a lot of memories :) 

'pagal-pagal' sekalian

bonding time!

and being there, i also worked with foreigners from Bangladesh and Nepal. all of them are nice and good people. my mindset about those foreign workers totally changed after i met them. dorang semua ada peranan masing-masing. some of them are so good in malay sampaikan we felt like 'ok boleh amik spm' lol. but most of them cant speak malay so we spoke in english. grammar tunggang langgang pekesah as long as that person got the messages.

on my first day working, i didnt know anyone. and the first person i knew was tilak. we girls, panggil tilak 'lives' saviour' lol because everytime kitaorang in trouble, mesti dia tolong. and yes, out of all workers dia paling mengada, yela tahu cakap melayu hahahaha. and tilak suka eavesdrop -__- there was this one time, i was cleaning a table with tilak and the customer didnt finish her ABC and i was like "tilak, belanja saya ni" "apa miss?" "em takde papelah tilak" and i walked away. i thought the conversation ended there, but when i was busy 'admiring' monerul, tilak came toward me and showed me a bill. he said "ni miss" and i was like "siapa punya tilak?" "you punya la". P04 Brownie Vanilla Top, table 18. i looked at table 18 and there was nobody. dang, this guy bought it for me. i warned him "tilak next time you buat macam ni lagi siap kau" lol. and when he was busy serving food to customers, i immediately took my wallet (yes i dont use purse, i use wallet) to pay the P04. lepas tu tilak nampak and then pelesup dia lari tak kasi bayar. aku siap gaduh dengan tilak dekat cashier sampai abang zul dgn moner pun tried to solve our problem lol. there was also this one time tilak cakap nak pergi econsave to buy food. aku saje cakap "tilak, i nak vitagen" and tilak was like "apa tu?" "ala air yang tu. em takpe tilak. saya nak coke. bukan coca cola tau. pepsi" "ok miss" and then he came back with vitagen lolllll. sumpah i tell you tilak ni baik sangat. even though sometimes his tongue is sharpen than a tip of a sword -__- apapun i was so angry masa tilak belanja P04 bcs the price is too much for a vanilla ice cream and sepotong brownie??!??

vitagen tilak kasi :-)

my partner, ajay. probably the most annoying person on earth! lol. asyik nak bergaduh je. and gaduh for a very simple thing je pun lol. masa awal awal kerja, he was probably the coolest waiter ever because the way he walked and serve the food was so damn good! sampai sekarang pun i still admire the way he do it. and dia yang paling senyap dulu but me being me, aku yang buat dia banyak cakap hahahaha. barely have a selfie with ajay because everytime we took some selfies using his phone, he immediately delete them all. because he hates me that much -___- hahahahaha. i was on my break time and i had only rm5 with me. masa tu lapar bakhang so i ordered P01, Pappa Cendol. and of course, more santan, more ice and more gula melaka :p and masa tu ajay jaga outlet belakang, and there was no customer so he ordered S10, French Fries. ajay asked me to belanja him but i told him "you see my wallet. my money finish" and he was like "aiyo" hahahaha. and then he paid for my cendol :-) lepas tu aku bragged dgn haikal kut, cakap ajay belanja. haikal was like "ajay, why you no buy me food? why you buy for fatin?" ajay "fatin many times say no money no money. so i pay" HAHAHAAHAH TAIK AYAM punya jawapan! 

left: kaka

right: baba

baba farok. favourite semua orang. why? because he is like a father. at first kitaorang addressed him as uncle. but ada satu haritu, aku saja la cakap "uncle! eh taknak lah panggil uncle. panggil baba lah" and sejak tu semua orang ikut panggil baba including our supervisor achong lol. some of the nepali and bangla pun ikut. and baba was the first person from kitchen yang aku tegur. ada sekali tu team achong pi makan luar, bonding time gitew. pastu baba balik, singgah workplace and jumpa aku then cakap, "baba cakap sama masud, anak baba semua ada sini. ainaa, nadzirah, izzazi. tapi ada sorang anak baba sedang kerja" and i almost cried..... hahaha 

baba noor. ok we actually didnt call him as baba. we addressed him as 'kaka'. kaka means uncle. sebab dari dulu memang semua orang panggil kaka. but i called him baba sometimes because everytime he saw me or other girls, he called us 'betee' which means daughter. and one of the reason why i called him baba was because he told me that i look alike his daughter. and his daughter is news anchor. he proudly showed his daughter picture/video to all of us. well, ayah mana yang tak happy bila anak dah berjaya, kan? :) kaka, he can read me well. there was a moment when i was so sad over this one thing but i cant remember what caused me that, kaka told me "betee, you sad?" and at that time i was like "kaka, you really understand me well". ada sekali tu juga i was so mad because of AJAY (kan dah cakap, ajay and me selalu gaduh). ajay gave me a nickname that really pissed me off. i was so freaking angry sampaikan monerul & anowar panggil, i ignored them all. then kaka told me "betee, you angry?" "no kaka, i no angry" "yes, i know you angry" he smiled. seriously, kaka is such an observant. and kind! ada sekali tu there was an old man looking things for recycle. uncle tu nak ambil besi tu but that thing was quite deep in the dustbin so uncle tu tak sampai nak ambik. kaka was smoking by that time. when he saw the whole situation, he gave his cigarette to shamim and he helped the old man. i saw what happened and i was sooooo damnnnn touched. seriously kaka, you da best!

monerul. masa first day kerja aku rasa dia ensem. amboi bangla pun jadi ke jia?!!??! oh come on. kalau korean handsome boleh, pasaipa bangla tak boleh? kakaka. what im trying to say is, we shouldnt differentiate others, they are still humans. ok continue. he is that kind of handsome but arrogant guy lol. tapi lama-lama, we became closer. we even contact each other until now. monerul ni banyak buat aku sedar kut. why did i say that? ada sekali tu aku gurau kasar kut i dont remember but i asked him, "moner, you angry?" "no la. islam say angry no good, haram" adumak aih deep zZZzzzZz. masa awal awal kerja i was kind of stressed sebab i couldnt understand what he said lol seriously. bila dia cakap mesti aku "ha?? apa??" and dia pun stress lol. a lot of memories i made with him, nak cerita rasa banyak sangat and iolls seganssssss luls.

anowar. anowar ni bestfriend si moner. these two guys siap main tulis tulis surat and i was the postman -____- idk what to say about anowar bcs right now nothing about him that crossed my mind!!!! ahahahahahhaha ok now i remember. anowar suka bagi aku buah. or to be specific, mangga. ada sekali tu dia simpan dalam chiller and bila aku break, dia bagi huhuhu. anowar suka sangat nak bagi roti canai everytime morning shift. aku tolak sebab rasa tak sopan pula. AMBOI TILAK AJAY SEMUA DAH BELIKAN KO MAKANAN KO AMIK, DGN ANOWAR KATA TAK SOPAN LAK KAKAKA. taklah, masa awal awal la aku tolak. sebulan dua sebelum aku quit, aku amik je apa dia hulur hahahaah. because if i didnt take it, he got mad and he wont talk to me -___- ingat ko boyfriend ke nak merajuk -____- ok ahahahaha

oh god i cannot desribe each one of them because the post will be too long! hahahaha. it's not like they read my blog so why bother hahaha ok. apapun, being able to work at this place especially with good people was so amazing that i wouldnt regret. thank you guys for all the food you guys paid for me! Khim, Nimur, Tilak, Ajay, Anowar, Monerul, ha all of you lah! thank you for the gifts too! i love them all and will use them wisely :-) thank you for all memories we made, gaduh gaduh mengada kena sepuk kena spray kena air panas kena kejar hahahahaha those all good times were so much fun. see you when i see you guys again! 

p/s: salam abg achong, saya nak part time raya minggu kedua boleh tak :p

p/s II: salam boss, saya nak full time next year bulan 4 sampai bulan 8 boleh tak? cuti sem boss lol ;p

thank you girls for all those good times we spent together. and of course money on food lol. having my bestfriends as my workmates was soooo fun ok seriously. im sorry for my bad attitude or wtv lah. i miss you guys tiap hari tau! see you guys on this coming cuti raya ok! kalau tak jumpa, i cannot meet you guys until my final exam for sem 1 is over :( lama tau, bulan 11 baru cuti sem :(((((( cant wait to see you guys, and makan kat papparich ofc! :p

tb

bismillah.

I just read my old posts on this ugly blog. lol what a shame I really wrote some stupid stuff in here. ok it wasnt that stupid but I even said things like "I love you" and mentioned a name of my boy friend -_____- i even made some spelling errors intentionally and then I said "typo again" lol wth hahahaha. ikr I was so stupid back then but now I've changed okay lol

please please do not read my old posts bcs you might get sick or nausea or wtv ah. I wont delete those entries bcs hey this is my blog okay lol that is not the case. I wont delete it bcs those posts will always remind me how retarded I was hahahahaha bye

?

bismillah.

it's pretty sad when you try your best to do something, but ppl dont thank you for your hard work. you used up all your energy just to do it, but ppl dont value it. they treat your work done like trash.

I dont get it. why these kind of ppl still exist in this world? srsly, the world doesnt need ppl like you, who dont know to appreciate things. what a shame to even live like that.

I think by saying thank you is already good enough. that person will definitely feel appreciated. that person will feel loved. for example, cooking. even though her cook is not that good, say thank you. because she used her time and energy just to cook for you. she actually can just ignore you, not to cook for you but she does it because she feels like it is not okay to do that to a person. then, why dont you feel the same too? I mean, it is not okay to not say thank you. seriously. ppl gotta rid of this kind of attitude.