deserve

i once had a crush on this guy for a semester. we were friends back then but not that closed but comfortable enough to talk with each other. one thing about me, i am not pretentious if i talked with my crush. you know some girls they act all sweet, talk nicely with the guy. i dont do that. im just being me. the next semester, i found out that the guy was dating my friend. whom i would say kind of close to me. so i stopped having crush on him. people told me that they're sorry, they're empathetic, i told them i was fine. "if he is fated not to be mine, what should i do? i should just walk away".

during the process of moving on, i developed a feeling for another guy. but this time, the guy knew about it thanks to his "shitty" friend. i couldnt act normal in front of him, so i avoid any eye contacts with him. i dont even wanna bumped into him. during semester break, the feelings faded away. and now this guy is also dating my best friend. but no worries, my best friend is fully aware that i've moved on.

i know you wanna tell me that im living such a pathetic life. im aware of it. sometimes i ask myself a lot of questions like, 

why do those people who i like always ended up liking my friends?

why not me?

am i that ugly?

am i not that worth it?

don't i deserve to be loved?

now, i dont wanna have feelings for anybody. because im afraid that they would choose my friends over me. life is full of bullshit. facade does not matter, they said. personality comes first, they said. inner beauty is everything, they said. 

sigh. how long should i wait for the guy to see the good sides of me?