Biggest meltdown of the month (?)

November 7, 2025. Friday.

I had the biggest meltdown today during my one hour work break.

I always told myself that whenever I am feeling down, stressed, or upset, they are just feelings I need to experience, then let them pass by. And I thought I was doing fine, but I was wrong. 

Well I guess emotions are something to be seen, to be held, and understood.

It turned out I have been suppressing all of these emotions inside, bottled them up, and finally exploded. I swallowed the feelings, and somehow the weight grew heavier. 

Being an adult who lives alone, though I have my friends who are one call away, life doesn’t quite work that way. I’ve always believed that my friends, whether single or married— have their own lives to tend to, and I never want to be a nuisance to them. I am blessed with good friends, and I love them, truly I do, and I would be there for them in any circumstance. But when it comes to me, I just can’t bring myself to do the same. Well I guess this has always been a habit of carrying things on my own. 

And then it hit me how badly I long for someone to whom I can show my vulnerabilities and lower my guard. A person I can call home, my own person.

Few things happened today, and they made me realised how insignificant I can be to people who I thought were my top priorities. And that’s just, sad.

I cried my eyes out to the point i gasped for air in between. I told myself that this wasn’t not going anywhere, but my heart still ached terribly. I then patted my chest slowly, my mouth kept whispering istighfar, and I told myself in my heart, “Allah ada”. It soothed me, then I began to feel calmer. It’s so amazing how remembering Allah immediately brings me peace.

“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” — Surah Ar-Ra’d (13:28)



Alhamdulillah, I feel so much better now. 

But I still need a hug, desperately need one.